Beauty in the Breakdown

HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!!!!

I have played the fool for far too long. Today was supposed to be my lucky day, maybe 7 is now unlucky for me. I found out what my boyfriend was keeping from me, and he announced it in the most public conversation, i can't believe I didn't see it before (through myspace comments). Nick and his ex-girlfriend still love each other. LOVE, i can't compete with that, I don't even know if I believe in the word. Right now I am so fraszzled I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs or riding my bike till I wipe out so hard I can obliterate the pain. Do you know how hard it is when you FORESAW this event coming and you hoped with all your heart it wouldn't be true but then it was? It makes it so much fucking worse!!! Because you knew it before and it was gnawing at you until it came and then ripped off your limbs piece by piece so you could feel the singular agony. I have a dance recital today and they always saw, "You leave your persoal life at the door" Well I'm not going to, being pugnacious and baffled and destructive gives me passion. And I will dance with all the passion I have. I will dance like I have never danced before, I will outreach my limits and sweat off this unholy fever if pain. 







KNOWLEDGE   by: Karin Goczkowski


You think I didn't know
But oh, Now I do
And I would openly hand her over to you
As long as I saw a smile on your face
Its better for you,
And I will not chase
For she is a better drug for you
Than I will ever hope to be
If we end this now
I won't have to look for that
Happily Ever After story

Yea, I know I'm not consistent with my posts but that is just because most of the stuff that happens is truly truly personal and i cant even put it on my liveournal (which sucks) so to sum it all up I am totally UNobsessed with my secret admirer who stopped emailing me the same day I started going out with Nick Mayzure.....hmm.....fishy. well i still hope we can talk, ect. but yea, we've been going out for....four weeks so....about a month. i'm using his wording when i say, "i luff him too" its really weird though, i mean even if we broke up our relashionship would pretty much not change because thats just the way we are. ever since we met we've flirted and talked about random, sexual, and heartfelt things. even though its hard for me to trust people completely he's at about a 50 %  . eirc is at a 70 % because i can predict whut he'll do, i dont know nick well enough. zach is a 60 % about and katryna is about a 500 % so yea, their scattered. paige is a 90 % =D because lately a lot has happened and i think we need to confide more


SO ANYWAYS!!!!!!!! I GRADUATED 8TH GRADE! I'M ACTUALLY A FRESHMAN NOW! go me!!

 Notes:

1) Do i see u on a daily basis?
2) Are u in band?
3) Are u good at sports?

                  1. I see you on a daily basis but you don't see me
                 2. No
                 3. I think I am but who knows

1) Do you have red hair?
2) Are you tall?
3) Do you have big hands?
4) Are you using a friends myspace to message me?

                   1. My hair isn't red....per say.

                   2. I am not legally a midget. So therefore yes, I am tall.

                   3. My hands...I think are normal sized but, yet agian who knows.

                   4.I did use somebody elses myspace, although they are not really my friend, I just know their password. I am in the process of making my own myspace.

                      One hint about myself.... I am not in the "popular" crowd. Aka: I do not like Taylor Dunn

      

 

Long stroy short:

1)has a boyfriend that is only like an aquaintance (we dont kiss, cuddle, hug all that much)

2)i find this guy who likes me, i lik ehim too, he hugged me in the hallways, we flirted a lot, it was fun because i felt i belonged.

3)i made my desiscion to talk to my boyfriend and end it, he even said there was no point to a relationship

4)so of course the next step was to talk to the other guy

5)so when i came home from movie night i messaged him on myspace

6)he messaged me back saying damnit and to look at his status and stuff

7)i beleive this is how it worked: from the time i left school for movie night and came home and messaged him, he had gotten a girlfriend

So my question for all of you is how do i react to losing my hearts desire when both of us are dating somebody else? should i be happy or him and whoever? sad? interested? ignore it completely?

So we've all heard stories about self injury and everything right? About the cutting, the anorexia, the bulimia, the branding, ect. Well today as I was browsing the internet I ran across an article. It listed maybe self injurers. This really captured my attention because I had heard of over half of the people on this list, they were all celebrities, and they all had these problems. The one that surprised me most was Angelina. Another was Princess Diana who cut because of her husband. 

The reason I'm posting htis entry today abotu self injury (SI) is because all of these people felt alone but I would like to raise the question, "If you keep it a secret so people won't know, how are you supposed to sympathize with everyone else whose has injured themselves?" they all felt so alone but they never knew that there were others everywhere just like them that they could have turned to instead of waiting to get help. 

So if you have ever self injured, know your not alone: http://self-injury.net/doyousi/famous/ 

To reach home, people have to usually cut through a few backyards, perhaps a few hedges, then walk about 3 streets to the left and your there, right? Well to reach MY home, I would ahve to cut through 50 backyards with 8 foot brick walls that have rottweilers on the inside, go through some poison ivy mixed in with 10 miles of rosebushes, and walk across the ocean. As you can see, my life is going through a rough patch right now, as rough as sandpaper so i need this journal to vent a bit. I guess I'm better with typing then i am speaking out loud. And that is most definately the truth., Otherwise, my boyfriend wouldn't be threatening that if I don't become UNboring, he's gunna break up with me. So you see, maybe we should just have an online relashionship or shit like that because hell i have a fuck of a lot more on my mind than being "funny" and "entertaining" for his purpose. How can I be me around HIM, when I can't even be me around MYSELF?!

So that makes #1) Boyfriend
and #2) Trying to be myself, find myself, get home

Then in school, I keep getting like 71's and a few 100's then sometimes i get like, 40's, i just don't know why my brain cant be consistent in the same subject. It really annoys me that I like, am expected to be perfect and i'm not, i don;t believe in perfection, let me repeat that one more time, I 
DONT
BELIEVE
IN
PERFECTION!
sol therefore, i cant be perfect. end of the matter. i dont want to deal with expectations anymore, i dont wanna bend to meet another persons dreams. and this is where #1 comes in. i dont wanna change for ANYONE, even for a boy i love. 

theres #3) expectation

Family. apparently their supposed to be there throughoput your whole life offering guidance and assistence when needed, their like your cane or crutch through life. well mine around like that, and neither are a few i know. in my family. I'M the cruth, I'M the cane and I'M the one offering support, encouragement, ect., ect. In other families, they dont do this at all, they act like children while their own children fend for themselves., and it pisses me off that these douches get away with it! and that i cant do anything about it!!!!

#4) family
#5)not being able to help

Now that i'm cooling down, i dont wanna sleep. i've been walking through classes, days flying past. my life consists of waking up, ging to school, coming home, doing h/w, and various in between then doing it all over again! and i just wanna give up, i DO, i want to just stop in the middle of my day and drop whatever i'm doing, and just lay down. sometimes i just want to sprint and run away from it. i dont wanna face life's problems anymore, they cause too many problems. Now imma get deep on you for a second so bear with me, why are we put on this earth, given these problems, and die? what's the point? what is the point in living? are we just a game, like the sims? if we are, then i'm goign to be the one where that therapist drops down from the ceiling and spins a pinwheel in front of my face, making me act like a chicken. 

heres #6 for ya) hating to live with no point
#7) the tears that dont come
#8) the need to go back to my past, rewind and everything, when people bring up how i ruin everything, how i'm not good enough, how their better, how i need to be more like them

Well there you go, 8 things keeping me from reaching home...hopefully, i'll make it before i crack.

I need:

-to talk
-to flip
-to hurt
-to inflict pain
-to scream
-to sing
-to run
-to walk
-to dance
-to breath fresh air
-to leave bad things behind me
-to forget
-to remember
-to forgive
-to love

I needed to tell you all that my life was just at its high point, i was HAPPY! i was strong, brave, courageous, and energetic. Then, today, supposed to be my lucky day cuz 7 is my lucky # and its the 7th, turned to hell. So I broke a promise to myself and other people. And now, I'm back to depressed and melancholic karin. I lent Nick my math today as a visual aid cuz he didnt understand it, teacher saw him referring to it at lunch, thought he was cheating, took it away, and i havent seen my notebook since, i didnt turn in my perfectly correct math paper (whihc i had already gotten checked) and nobody has heard MY side of the story, so there is the MAIN main event of the day. Sometimes, I just wanna give up on life, but I'm gunna give life another chance to redeem itself, if not, idk what i'll do.

The talent that I have that I wish more people would recognize is probably...that I have the ability to recite. I recite a lot of poetry in my free time and well, unless you watch me at the speech tournament, you never know about that

What I most hate sharing with other people...things that piss me off. xD . I mean, I wouldn't tell you if you were on my hit list. Wait, no, that didnt sound right either! Ok, I wouldn't tell you something that possibly scared the hell outta me and it would scare me to hear your opinion

 I think race is too serious to joke about, sexuality is too serious to joke about, and physical body parts (if u catch my drift...MEN), and people's religion.

What I think I bring most to a friendship is...drama. Most definatly, that and spontenaiety! I'm a very spontaneous person and just to be in a friendship, you need SOMEONE to say, "CHEESE!" in the middle of a conversation when nobody's talking. That person just happens to be me! I like being the person who does bring it into the friendship though, the drama part, not so much....But I love my friends to death, i'm all for a longgggggggggggggg friendship =]

On the outside I'm smiling
On the Inside I'm stone
I look around me
I weaken
Friends around me
Uncomplete and
I feel so sad
For all the things
That I have to face
That have yet to deface
To complete the jigsaw
That I can't even find
To soothe a soul
So unsoothable 
To cry
When no tears are to be found
To collapse
When I have to be bound
I can't give up yet
I can't leave the faith
I have to put a smile on
This lowly
Forgotton face





So yes, that was a poem written by me, spontaneously. It has a story behind it and to keep my promise, I'm writing down these sad thoughts. I had a great start to my day, I felt a glimmer of happiness, a sparkling glimmer that drown itself when the past came back to haunt me....

 But!

according to the poem, I have yet to give up, I'm gunna try, everything is going to fine, I know it

I think it

It has to be...






Doesn;t it?

Admit It!! is a great song. Thank you Alex for introducing me to that song btw. well here I go, I'm gunna admit some things. Well I screwed up my life pretty bad. I'm sorry for all my previous depresing posts. For awhile I think I actually wnated to be diagnosed with something like epression because it would give me an answer to the sadness. I would ahve pills and maybe even be happy. But what is the point in being diagnosed if you haven't even tried to make myself happy again. And if you're wondering where the sudden inspiration for trying to make the abyss go away here it is:

I'm not a crying girl. I either hold it in until i burst, or i just, dont have enough tears. 

But now, I cry.

I cry for us.

I cry for me.

I cry for death.

I cry for life.

I cry for future.

I cry for...past.

And now, I'm out of tears but I'm still crying, on the inside. And I'm not sure when I will stop. Maybe it never did from last time, maybe it never will. But for the moment, I will take my chances, and deal with what I have been dealt. I'll make it through.

 

Does it count to any of you that i feel like crap? no, like shit right now. my whole body aches eternally and internally. i'm crumbling just like the wicked witch melts and i dont even care right now. i'm pissed off at the world and i dont want to be here rigth now. i want to be on some distant planet watching earth, maybe i'd learn a thing or two, maybe, just maybe it would feel more like living than the movie of life i'm watching right now. i'm sry for the depressing thoughts but thats whut this website is here for isnt it? LIVE - JOURNAL, i'm telling you people my real thoughts in a real live journal. so if your complaining about how fake depressed i sound right now, talk to me about it personally, and ask anyone how i get when i get pissy, then think twice about whutever ur thinking.





xoxo K

 Since this is on order by Paige...I don;t know what to write so yea, i'll ramble endlessly. I love you Katryna, Alex, and Paige, i have no other close friends! woot! so yea, I'm addicted to RPG's and Kingdom Hearts and Harvest Moon....


RPG's: Crimson Kiss!!! an rpg for vampires, humans, and werewolves!
              The Underground of New York!!! and rpg for bands! i'm a global moderator! so is paige! ask me for the link! this one is newwwww!

if your wondering an rpg is a role play game, make a character, make stories witht he character, check it out sometime.


Kingdom Hearts is amazing and addictive

You can never stop playing Harvest Moon either!

DC was amazing!!!!! ask if u want, i'm not gunna type it, for me to kno for u to find out.

So yea....nothing else really important


FEBRUARY 2ND! 11:35 AM POINTE SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FEBRUARY 4TH! 7:00 PM HIGH SCHOOL NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi there. You may think I'm crazy, hell, i think I'm crazy. I'm posting for the new year and I admit, I'm pretty physched. Aspiring to be a writer, it's hard just to go through life like a movie. For a photographer or say, a screenwriter, it would be much easier. But for me, it's very....struggle-making. 
*12:17, 7 is my lucky number! just add a 10 onto that!!*

Like a train, life has segments, breaks, connections, changes, and graffiti
Trains can go through seasons too
Warm
Hot
Cool
Cold
It doesn't affect it though
Like trains, people also go through these seasons
The can be warm
They can be hot
They can be cool
And they can be just plain cold
But here is where the breaks come in
You can jump them
Ride them
Skip them
Or just forget about them
Either that or here is where the connections come in
You can use these
For good
For bad
For nothing
For something
Or forget about them
Either that or here is where the changes come in
You can change it
Fix it
Mend it
Break it more
Or forget about them
Either that or here is where the graffiti comes in
This
You create yourself
I can't tell you what to do with it

Trains like these are
Not at all easy to break
So easy to run away on
Hard to catch
Hard to make
Like I said, even harder to break
Taking Speed doesn't speed it up
It might even just slow it down
There is no fast forward on life
There isn't a rewind either
Like trains
Not movies
It doesn't have a stop button
But it does have a play
To go through the story
Just press it
Cutting creates blood
Not making you more alive
Clarity doesn't come with age, or adreneline, or fear
It comes with understanding

Life is a train
Moving along
Chugging its way up hills
Carving through mountains
Carrying people
Letting them off
Moving and barely stopping
It doesnt have a stop button
Or a fast forward
Or a rewind
A play button though
That
Is what life is
A play button
The anticipation of the ride


I hoped you liked my little poem as a great opener to 2008. Happy New Years! Do you see what I mean though? Stories make you feel like you are part of them like, you are in the story being part of it. Life just isn't...no...wasn't like that for me. Now it will be, I'm stepping off the sidelines. I flushed 2007 down the toilet, I took a shower from 11:55-12:09 rinsing and cleaning everything that was weighing me down. I cried and sang and even wrote this poem. I'm not scared anymore. I think I was before but now, I'm not. I'm happy, being who I am. Getting mad when I think something is wrong. Loving without conditions even if it means, hurting the person I love. Living just being me. Not being wild but being free, me. Okay, enough with the speech. Happy New Years, I hope yours will be better than the last, eternal happiness.


                                                                                              Yours truly, and always,
                                                                                                      K.I.G

Hey guys, i'm really like, not okay right now but I guess thats normal so...its okay, wow that doesnt make much sense does it? well here goes, yesterday i was shopping at woodfield and i actually felt pretty flaunty, my hair wasnt up, i was surprised. 3 hot as in like, scorching hot guys were checking me out so says my sis and she also said they were pointing but enough of my rubbing it in (which feels good once and a while) I finally bought a wallet due to my family's idea i shuld ALWAYS have a wallet and a purse. Well, cute wallet, no purse. So yea....I bought 3 charms for my link bracelet and 1 i split with my sister. The one I split with my sis was a ying yang, i got the black yang (my favorite out of the 2 that i put between my sister charm and my birthstone girl). I also got an eat sleep dance one that i put next to my dance slippers and my ice cream cone. I then got an elephant with his body in rhinestones which i put next to my manicure one. then I got one that says, get this: drop it like its hot, its my favorite and i put it next to my shiny blue notebook/pencil/apple one. for lunch today i had lo mein and chicken rice soup which i also had or dinner last night, since the people there kno us really well they always give us extra food so we got it at the same price. yesterday i slept on my neck werong and paigew gave me a virtual massage and it stopped hurting, lol, cuz she cool like that. now i'm just rambling but i feel like typing a lot so i can like, waste time for the next half hour when paige is coming over. i'm taking care of 2 peoples amount of pets and yea...i'm so bored right now. i feel and look like crap today compared to yesterday. i wish i could like the way i look everyday soemtimes. yesterday i felt like i was going to throw up, my legs were super wobbly, i couldnt eat anything without getting a sewrious stomachache and i didnt WANT to eat anything. i felt so......horrid but jeremy apologized for giving me the silent treatment (he missed me he said) i knew he would miss me *brushes off shoulder in awesomeness* well byers i'm gunna do something else now